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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27550309">My Life in the Fast Lane</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadBoiReeRee/pseuds/BadBoiReeRee'>BadBoiReeRee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Bachelor, The Bachelorette (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - No My Chemical Romance, Dystopia, Forbidden Love, Objectification, Other, Sex Robots</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:20:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,545</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27550309</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadBoiReeRee/pseuds/BadBoiReeRee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Who stole Arie Luyendyk Jr's heart and lithesome caboose? Why is Chris Harrison so mysterious? How are all of the ladies on The Bachelor fed? Does anyone eat? And where is Charlton Heston in all this? READ ON BACHELOR NATION<br/>----<br/>*edited (11-23): cover art by anonymous ;)*</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chris harrison/ Arie Luyendyk Jr</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>My Life in the Fast Lane</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
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<p><em>Speed, I am speed, </em>thought Arie as he clenched the cheeks of his profane tooty. The former racecar driver turned realtor turned drug cartel kingpin turned Bachelor was preparing for the ride of his lifetime. He was stuck, in between a hard and a harder place, very much like the stuck pornography that he had viewed moments before on his Nokia510. With his legs spread open in anticipation of Chris Harrison’s Weapon of Ass Destruction, Arie found his mind wandering between his dirtiest, sexiest thoughts and lines from cute kids movie about hubristic anthropomorphic cars.</p>
<p>Arie knew what endurance meant, having raced around the same track hundreds of times as a professional driver. Arie also knew what it meant to be braindead, having raced around the same track hundreds of times as a professional driver.</p>
<p>He was ready to be saddled by Chris Harrison’s cybertronic cock, his Just-in Beaver, his knobgoblin, his final, thorniest and horniest of roses.</p>
<p>The Bachelor was in many ways similar to Arie’s racing career: circular, repetitive, misogynistic, and promoted a myopic view of the systems of oppression governing our world. However monotonous it all was, Arie was nonetheless comfortable leading his singular and FDA-approved life.</p>
<p>…</p>
<p>Moments before this cataclysmic encounter with Chris’ single-tendrilled Rumpleforeskin, Arie had decided to go to a nearby vending machine to grab a snack. Chaos had ensued between hangry female contestants and producers, the women complaining about the inhospitable conditions of living in a Soylent Green-esque home, with 30,000 other women competing over the same man and over the same food sources. It was almost Malthusian how the resources had depleted so quickly and how much the Bachelor promoted the dehumanization and objectification of the female body. After the 3<sup>rd</sup> day of flirting, all of the retinol had disappeared, and for most women, this was the final straw. They eventually organized and started launching attacks on the show’s producers, who would never have dreamed that the ladies would engage in guerilla and chemical warfare.</p>
<p>The ensuing tumult had caused the network to postpone filming for a week, lightening up Arie’s schedule. The sounds of producers being eaten by the starved women made Arie hungry too. “I’ll have what she’s having!” Arie chuckled as he heard Clara, one of the 30,000 finalists, gnawing on the third camera man’s arm, his wails being recorded by immoral foley and soundscape artists. Arie turned towards Chris and his writer, “I love a woman with an appetite haha!” to which Chris responded somberly,  </p>
<p>“Arie, Tim here is a recovering cannibal” Chris said as he placed his hand on Tim’s shoulder, who slowly turned towards Chris’s flesh both licking his lips and gently weeping out of frustration.</p>
<p>“Too soon, right…” Arie said, dejected by his failed attempt at levity.</p>
<p>The only thing that Arie had eaten that day was a throat lozenge that he greedily sucked out of a woman’s mouth during a smooch. “Arie, wh- what the fuck?” Joana exclaimed, “That’s my dinner!” she said aggressively attempting to suck the lozenge back from Arie’s mouth into hers. “No! Please, I am SO HUNGRY!” Arie wept as he desperately protected the lozenge with his tongue from Joana’s gaining oral maneuvers. That day Arie was deepthroated both by Joana’s tenacious tongue and later by her aggressive arms.</p>
<p>Despite the throat lozenge that he had taken from the women he was smooching, the salty tears that he had stolen from another contestant’s blocked tear ducts, and the souls that he had sucked from multiple women, Arie was still hungry.  As Arie stood in front of the only vending machine available, he fished for coins in his pockets but found nothing. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw a shiny quarter lying in between the vending machine and a Ficus plant in the corner of the room. <em>Ah my lucky day!</em> thought Arie as he reached for the coin.</p>
<p>“Yes! Gotcha….. I…. hmmm…. <em>Uh oh</em>”</p>
<p>Arie found his wide birthing hips stuck in between the machine and the plant. <em>Damn my hubris</em> he thought, cursing his character defects and his well-endowed figure.</p>
<p>Suddenly he heard footsteps behind him. He attempted to turn, but <em>his full, immovable ass</em> and <em>his legs for days</em> had prevented him from turning.</p>
<p>“Well, what do we have here” said a voice with mirthful laughter.</p>
<p><em>It’s Chris Harrison!</em> realized Arie.</p>
<p>“Boy am I glad to see you here, Chris! I seem to be stuck, can you be a bro and help me out?” asked Arie with youthful exuberance and cheerful innocence, his cushion for the pushin’ undulating rhythmically at Chris’s presence.</p>
<p>Chris approached him and gently stroked his lower back with his finger.</p>
<p>“C-chris….?”</p>
<p>Chris paused and was silent. Then he spoke with a hollow voice, one that sounded like William Shatner who had finally realized that space was not the final frontier.</p>
<p>“Arie, this sure is a shit show isn’t it? I mean, what is going on here? Our contestants are duking it out with the tv show producers, and all hell is breaking lose. I thought that upping the competition by increasing the number of contestants from 30 to 30,000 would make things. I didn’t know that we would run out of food so quickly and cause guerilla warfare between actors and writers.”</p>
<p>Arie couldn’t help but feel sorry for him.</p>
<p>“Oh Chris, well, it seems that both you and I are in a tough position right now. Is there anything I can do to relieve this stress you are feeling? To unburden you from your struggles?”</p>
<p>Chris looked at Arie with a sad eye, scanning his beautiful and delicately sculpted body with his wizened and vacant eyes.</p>
<p>“Arie…. I’ve been on this show for god knows how long. Years, decades, centuries even. And I will be hosting this show until the eventual heat death of the universe. However, I have always promised myself to never be involved with either the bachelor or bachelorette. But meeting you and getting to know you over the past 72 hours has really changed me. I… I like you.”</p>
<p>After uttering this, Chris blushed and asked,</p>
<p>“Would you do me the honor of giving me your <em>final </em>rose?”</p>
<p>Arie was shocked but at the same time not shocked by Chris’s request. He had noticed Chris admiring him from afar and he himself stole many furtive glances Chris’s way. He admired Chris’s smooth skin and almost robotic personality – he could have sworn that he saw 0s and 1s flash in the whites of his eyes whenever they engaged in conversation. But this android quality excited Arie – <em>Chris was so mysterious.</em> He wanted to know MORE. He also wondered where Chris lived, if he ate human food, and if he defecated. He was convinced that this man would be his <em>future husband</em>.</p>
<p>“Chris, take my ass. <strong>TAKE IT!”</strong> Arie said as he pushed his lithesome caboose in Chris’s direction. Chris, elated and grateful, unzipped his pants. Arie struggled to turn around, because of his bulging neck muscles, thick as a tree, which were strengthened by the continuous whiplash of his days as a racecar driver and also by the overwhelming amount of slaps he received from his potential suitors. However, eventually Arie did see Chris’s thorny trophy: firm, lustrous, green, and serpent-like, engorged like a snake that had eaten dozens of large penises.</p>
<p>Chris touched Arie’s forearm, sending shivers up and down Arie’s glorious body. Arie’s supple flesh rippled in pleasure at the touch of Chris’s reptilian skin. Arie knew then and there that he wanted to take Chris, put him in a box, and toss him around in his mouth. He wanted to paint elephant ears on Chris’s testicles and stick two popsicle sticks in between Chris’s balls and his shaft – it would remind him of the program he had seen on NatGeo Wild.</p>
<p>Chris could feel the joy emanating from Arie’s body, and this sent off a series of electric signals, 0s and 1s, and pulses through his conduits and metallic coils. His eyes blinked, remoistening as required, and his cheeks flushed a dark shade of grey (he had forgotten to replace his internal ink cartridge earlier that day). With mathematical precision, Chris inserted his usb plug into Arie’s nubile drive, downloading into Arie all of his Java and McAfee malware.</p>
<p>And so the man and the android joined bodies, relishing each moment, while the women outside gorged themselves on the remains of the Bachelor camera crew. The barriers that Arie had erected within himself as a result of the heteronormative structures of oppression that had largely governed his life until then had crumbled at this moment of pure ecstasy and awakening. Arie bloomed like a delicate rose, the petals of his foreskin ripping gratefully with every thrust of Chris’s Harrison Ford. The love he received was indeed very much like the roses that he had given to the women: clipped, de-thorned, and meant to be eventually composted. And in his sheer ecstasy, everything began to make sense to Arie, why he was here on this planet, why he gave up racing, and why he was making love to this beautiful unblinking Megazoid.   </p>
<p><em>Because life is a highway, and Arie wanted to ride it all night long</em>.</p>
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